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Forgiveness
is hard! Peter found it frustrating (Matthew
18: 21-22). To
understand forgiveness, one has to know that it is a process and this process is
often painful and difficult. I remember when I was growing up, I was taught that
I had to forgive and forget immediately. Well, a few days after forgiving
someone close to me, my resentment and hurt resurfaced and I begin to feel more
depressed and anxious. I wasn't happy. I thought that everything was going to be
alright and I thought that I would be able to move forward with my life. Not
true! With time, my views on forgiveness changed drastically when I attended a
workshop on forgiveness. It was 1986. At the time, I was a licensed marriage and
family therapist and I was dealing with a very deep personal hurt. Actually, I
had several hurts which I now call, interpersonal transgressions. I couldn't let
go and I couldn't understand why. When I entered my doctoral program in clinical
psychology (1992), I decided that my dissertation would focus on forgiveness:
Eventually, I titled my dissertation, "Understanding
the Construct
of Forgiveness: An Empirical
Study"
The
results of my study changed my perspectives on forgiveness forever. I now
understand the process. The following is a brief summary of how I understand
forgiveness:
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The
first phase is defining
it. Your views on forgiveness are more important than how others define it. Take
some time to ask yourself, how do I define forgiveness? Who are the people in my
life that have influenced my understanding of forgiveness? Who are my role
models of forgiveness or unforgiveness?
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The
second phase of the process of forgiveness
is understanding the interpersonal transgressions
(incidents of
hurt) in our lives. This involves asking yourself: Who has hurt me? When did it
happen? Where did it happen? Why did it happen? What was the person thinking of
when he or she hurt me? (Why did they do it?).
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The
third phase is examing the maladaptive transformations that take place when one is
emotionally hurt. Our thinking, feelings, behavior, and even our physiology is
impacted when a significant offense occurs. Especially, when we hold on to it
for a long time. We need to understand what has happened as a result of a deep
interpersonal transgression (emotional hurt). It is during this phase of the
forgiveness process that one is waiting for an apology. Sometimes, it never
comes.
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The
fourth
phase, conversion (metanoia), takes
place when we
decide to make some serious changes in our emotional lives. We start to replace
maladaptive thoughts and behaviors with more positive constructive ways of
viewing and interacting with ourselves and others. The crucial factor in this
phase is realizing that when we are joined to Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) we are a
new creation and
the "old" has gone. Paul (Ephesians 4:
17-32) explains what this awesome conversion is all about. I encourgae
you to read the passage. A sure sign that we are changing is when we begin to
feel a sense of compassion towards the offender and ourselves.
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The
final phase is the healing
stage. It involves forgiveness and reconciliation. As you can see,
forgiveness is at the tail end of the process. At this point of the
forgiveness process we no longer feel angry and resentful. We now understand
what has happen to us and can start to forgive ourselves and others. Once we
forgive, we can decide if we want to reconcile with the offender.
Reconciliation is always optional. It requires that we feel that it is safe to
return to a relationship. The issue of recidivism is no longer an issue. The
acronym for the entire process is: "DITCH
©"
Again,
forgiveness is process which requires time and a willingness to work at it. If
you are interested in hosting a "Breaking
the Chains...A Day
of Forgiviness and Healing" workshop or retreat, feel free
to contact me at: understandingforgiveness@gmail.com
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